Monday, March 24, 2008

Xmastime to the Rescue

Fashion Herald seems unable to shake this plague that has her down and out, so Xmastime is taking over for a few. It's time we check out his diet anyway but WARNING, after reading the below you may never eat meat again.

If I had to grade myself on my progress so far, I'd hafta give myself a "DISASTER." I just pissed away over two weeks on the Atkins, thanks to not remembering to exercise and then panic eating.

The week was going great - I was on vacation so I could focus on the Atkins and nothing else. Stocked the fridge with meat and cheese and gotsta eating: bacon and eggs in the morning, cheeseburger omelettes for lunch and sausage and mozzarella for dinner. With a can of tuna in between each meal (snack). I even learned that if you chop ground beef like you would for tacos and then cover it with cheese, it feels more like a vegetable. After almost a week, I all of a sudden realized I'm eating a ton of Atkins-approved stuff but the weight's not falling off as quickly as I had hoped. I mean, I'm stuffing barrels of sausages in my maw with mayo-fried cheese chasers, but nothing's happening. Then it hits me: I HAVEN'T EXERCISED ALL WEEK!!! Literally, I had barely moved all week. I was on vacation! My exercise consisted of walking from the tv in the living room to the tv in the kitchen and back. Whisking my scrambled eggs was the most exertion I had all week. Dammit!! I cursed myself. I wasted the first week of my "induction phase." I was about to panic and throw it all away when I thought well, I've had exactly 0 carbs, I'm still on the right track, just be cool. Until I discovered that the sausages I had been pounding each had 2 carbs in them. Which for a normal person wouldn't be a huge deal, but you can guess how many I had eaten throughout the week. So I used this to allow myself to spiral down into complete food depression and basically eat deep-fried chicken skins that could add up to the size of my head. Miserable. [ed. note: Xmastime+Atkins=DISASTER, except for the pork industry]

So last Monday I woke up determined to succeed this time. Vacation was over, no excuse not to exercise, blah blah. This lasted about four days. One thing about Atkins is when hunger hits, it HITS. I was in Ft. Greene with Lil Xmas and all of a sudden I thought I may faint. I barely made it home and grabbed the first thing I saw: milk. I reached past the cheese, past the cooked chicken, past the bag labeled "READY TO EAT IF YOU'RE ON THE ATKINS, THIS STUFF IS AWESOME!!!" and started guzzling a glass of milk like Britney at a Red Bull kegger. I was disgusted with myself, mewling like Chewbacca as I pounded another glass to calm down. Of course, did I think okay, it's only milk, just re-focus? Nah, course not. I used this to allow myself to spiral down into complete food depression and basically eat deep-fried chicken skins that could add up to the size of my head. You know your diet is in trouble when you can hit "paste" any time on your computer and know the preceding sentence will pop up, no?

I moaned and cried all weekend, but am determined to try it again starting Monday. Complete with exercise and food moderation. I'm trying to stay positive thanks to the guy in the paper weeks ago that lost 100 lbs by just walking. But I'm gonna give the Atkins one more strike now that I know its pitfalls. I hafta remind myself that tripping up on a diet doesn't mean you say "eff this!" and triple your pork puffs intake. Step back and regroup: there's always a Day One just around the corner.
Damn straight. Ok, he needs more than just skinny jeans inspiration. Enter: Foot Locker. Melissa and her co-worker, Stella, stepped up to dress Xmastime in some appropriate workout gear. No more "misremembering" the exercise. See his comments tomorrow. And as soon as I'm over the plague, I'm taking Xmastime and his shiny new shoes to the Y. Beware, Xmastime.

Write your diet tips for Xmastime here in comments, or on his blog. People, he needs your help or he's never fitting into those Macy's jeans.