Friday, April 4, 2008

Xmastime's Brand New Clothes (and shoes)

Xmastime is in dire diet straits. To keep his head up & out of the Atkins morass, I took him to Foot Locker on 34th Street to shop with the pros, Melissa and Stella. From the erudite horse's mouth:

I'll tell you what, being paraded around Foot Locker and having three pretty girls throwing clothes at you is not the worst way to spend a Friday morning. Thanks to Trish, Melissa and Stella, I felt part "Pretty Woman," part "King Ralph" and then another part "King Ralph," cause people think they're being complimentary when they tell me that John Goodman would play me in a movie about myself. Thanks a lot.

We careened about the store and anything I looked at, or one of the girls thought would be cool, was grabbed with an "ooooohhh, cute!" As the piles of clothes grew bigger and bigger, I had no guilt about the girls carrying it all around. [pictorial proof below] Because my showing up at the store over 20 minutes late already let the girls know they were dealing with a true H-list celeb, and they had better show some R E S P E C T.
-send food back to the kitchen in restaurants
-go to restaurants
-appear on "The Surreal Life Season 8" alongside Hip Hop Harry, Leona Helmsley's dog, Eliot Spitzer, and, of course, this guy:
We also tried on shoes. I had no idea what they're doing with shoes now; the girls tried to get me into a pair [Nikes, right] that sync up to your iPod through some sort of chip in the insole. Not only do you create a playlist for exercising, but you designate a "GO GET 'EM!" song that automatically kicks in when it senses you're lagging. I would assume everyone's choice would be the theme from "Rocky," no? Amazing - you slow down, it cranks in to fire you up. I wonder what song kicks in if it realizes you're neck-deep in the Pizza Hut buffet? Curious.

Melissa also gave us some interesting facts, like the best time to try on shoes is the afternoon, when your feet are at their widest. I was about to make an off-color joke, but before I knew it I was in the middle of an "Estrogarium," which is a word I just made up that means "being surrounded by women talking about weight and dieting." Have you witnessed this? Seriously, every woman I've ever known is an expert on the human body and honing it down to a perfect working machine. I've also learned that if there's more than one woman in the room and you just wanna get the heck outta there and go watch the game, mention "diet" and they're off and running. You can slip away unnoticed. Their eyes LIGHT up, don't they?
"I'm doing South Beach."
"Really? I'm eating sand. One handful a week, it's AMAZING!"
"I tried that, didn't work. I had my stomach removed; I just let water sink into my skin like a frog."
"Wow, how's it going?!?!"
"Hey, I'm over here."
"You look AMAZING!!!!
The final hour was a frightening blur of collecting clothes and trying them on. I loathe trying on clothes. Brutal. But there's something intoxicating about popping out of a room in a new outfit every three minutes and having girls clap, say how great you look and take pictures. It woulda been nice if my gay friends had hipped me on to this earlier. What else do they do that I would find pleasurable? Will Wikipedia later on.

Heck, I turned away more clothes than I've bought in the last ten years. Thanks to Foot Locker I came away with shirts, shorts, and 2 pairs of shoes - some gym shoes for me to work off the stubborn last 4 pounds (cough) and some Chucks. Unreal. But even better, thanks to Trish, Melissa and Stella, for once in my life shopping was actually fun. Of course, now I'm such a spoiled celeb I will be expecting similar treatment everywhere I go.

Thanks, Xmastime, for what was obviously a highly successful shopping excursion. Foot Locker on 34th Street not only has an impressive selection of workout gear, but also tons of great casual wear. And Xmastime proves that it's the perfect place to take the guy who doesn't like to shop. Or just never shops. And what else did he learn? Wear nice socks and get a pedicure before trying shoes on in public. Hmm, pedicure, I think I know where we're going next...

more pics

Xmastime contemplating shoes:

and modeling his sh
oe choice, New Balance 922, $165.

Xmastime, with empty arms.
And again, empty arms.

Then the group shot, with empty arms.

Ha, tricked him!

Men, Xmas didn't approve of these chucks (left), but the girls loved their textured look. You choose.

Xmastime shows us the difference between his brown shirts.
And then the standard male model poses:

Casual Xmastime;
Nice golf stroke;


The classic bear;
And the deep thinker.

Foot Locker, 120 W. 34th btwn 6th & 7th